I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
