I looked at my own cervix.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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