to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
