Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
