4 words: hood of his car
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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