genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
