She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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