remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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