i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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