I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
