My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize