I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize