Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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