ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
