I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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