The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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