one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
only if we run a train.
done.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
