go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
