You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
