listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize