I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
