I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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