I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
