My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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