Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
