i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
