You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
