By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
