So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
