And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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