I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
