AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
