Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
