I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
