I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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