Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
FUCK WHALES
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