i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
