from now on my penis is your penis
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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