he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
