Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
