I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
