I don't usually arrange sex via text message
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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