i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
