I molested 6 butterflies tonight
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
