I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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