If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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