Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
