I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
