we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize