If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
