Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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