drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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