At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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