i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize