Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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