She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
