this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
