I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
