you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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