so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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