Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
